Join us here each week as COB takes a few minutes out of his incredibly hectic schedule (which typically consists of handling all of the Hill 10 flapping flaps his juniors created because they’re a bunch of incompetent c**ksucking DBs) to answer your questions about life, business and your bridge progress. To submit a question to his most holy and ecclesiastical sourciness please leave a comment below or tweet it to @Scientology_411.
Dear COB: My wife threw a fit when I flowed $50,000 toward my local Ideal Org. She said that money was supposed to go toward our daughter’s college fund. What should I do?
Your wife is obviously suppressive as there is nothing on this earth more important than Ideal Orgs. A college education will mean nothing thousands of years from now if the psychs have won and enslaved the human race. I have taken the liberty of personally declaring your wife and informing her Facebook friends of her new status. She is to report to Int Base immediately for an indefinite stay in The Hole. Rena Weinberg needs a new gal-pal anyway since I sent Shelly away!
Dear COB: I’m in the 6th grade and want to drop out of school and join the Sea Org. My parents say I should stay in school, what do you think sir?
You are to be highly commended for displaying your dauntless dedication to Scientology by seeking to join Ron’s fake navy (which despite appearances is not gay in any way, shape or form). I myself dropped out of school in the 8th grade and it’s the best thing I ever did since all of the teachers are 5th invader fleet psychs in disguise. You have a wonderful career of mopping bathrooms and cleaning bilges ahead of you! Two Sea Org goons (recruiters) have been dispatched to your home to “persuade” your parents to see what the greatest good for the greatest number of my bank accounts, er I mean dynamics is. However if you truly want to earn my respect you’ll make this go right on your own by murdering your parents in their sleep.
Dear COB: Honey I’m cold and there are worms in my rice and beans. Can I please come home? I promise I’ll be good…
How the hell did you get this address Shelly!?! You know full well I’m busy correcting all the errors left in the tech by that sloppy fatass LRH and that I don’t have time for your dev-t nonsense! However, I’m not entirely heartless. I’ve ordered your food privileges revoked so no more worm problem!